3 Reasons You’re Hard On Yourself
And What You Can Do To Fix It
“Be patient with all things but first with yourself. Never confuse your mistakes with your value as a human being.” — Saint Francis de Sales
I have discovered that most individuals who are hard on themselves have pure motives. They want to be their best. They want to do their best.
Sadly, when their performance falls shy of expectations — theirs, or those of another — rather than greeting themselves with mercy, and permission to try again, they quickly mete out judgment.
What’s really unusual is that many who are hard on themselves are quick to show compassion to others.
The bad news is that living like that is out of balance.
The good news is that even the staunchest self-critic can change.
A supervisor once told me that the best predictor of one’s future behavior was their past behavior. That supervisor firmly believed that what people had done in the past was the best predictor of what they would do in the future.
I didn’t believe it then. I don’t believe it now.
Your Past Does Not Predict Your Future
When Richard Dyson left college, he became an apprentice to an inventor. Not long afterward, he began working on an invention of his own.
Over the course of approximately 5 years, Dyson built 5,126 failed prototypes.
During that time, Dyson also put his house in hock, and racked up $900,000 in debt.
While Dyson pursued his dream with dogged determination, he and his wife got by on the modest income she brought in working as an art instructor.
When Dyson built his 5,127th prototype — it worked.
Today, the bagless vacuum cleaner is sold on every continent, and Dyson — the sole owner of the Dyson Inc. — is a billionaire.
Twenty three times over.
So much for the link between past performance and future success.
Your past DOES NOT predict your future.
3 Common Causes of Harsh Self-Criticism
While the specific causes of harsh self-criticism are probably too numerous to count, we can identify at least three common ones which can help us to better understand the problem — a little bit.
1. You Grew Up In A Critical Environment
“What lingers from the parent’s individual past, unresolved or incomplete, often becomes part of her or his irrational parenting.” — Virginia Satir
If you grew up in a household with critical people — a Mom, a Dad, or some other influential role-model — there’s a good chance that you spend an inordinate amount of time criticizing yourself.
While we all need to spend an appropriate amount of time evaluating ourselves, and the quality of our choices, those of us who grew up in critical environments tend to go overboard. Way overboard.
I know a bright, kind, talented young man — I’ll call him Joseph — who tends to be extremely hard on himself. Growing up, Joseph’s parents used their words to correct him much more often than to encourage. And though I believe that Joseph’s parents probably meant well — trying to help him steer clear of bad behavior and negative influence — their choice to place a heavy emphasis on Joseph’s errors and missteps did not serve him well. Instead of being confident in the face of challenge, Joseph is often sheepish — scared. And when he does try something new, and makes the inevitable stumble which accompanies the acquisition of a new skill, Joseph rails against himself with critical words — and often quits — rather than giving himself a chance to learn and grow.
Joseph, like so many of us, is very hard on himself.
2. You’ve Accepted False Guilt
“False guilt occurs when we accept the blame for something someone else has done.” — Lynda Elliott
God has given us consciences to help us steer clear of wrong. When our conscience is healthy and functioning properly, the internal nudge pinging us to change course is a helpful servant.
But when our conscience has been damaged, it can become a hateful, tyrannical taskmaster, driving us to take responsibility for things that others have done to us, condemning us for wrongs which we have not committed. This frequently happens to children who have been victimized.
Little people size up the events in their world as a simple, one-to-one interplay between cause and effect. In their minds, they are the cause of everything and the effects which manifest in their lives are a direct outgrowth of who they are. The childish mind quickly assumes that “Good things happen to me because I’m good,” and “Bad things happen to me because I am bad.”
While that’s a perfectly logical way for a child to reason things out, we know that it is inaccurate. There are numerous forces beyond the self which influence the effects which show up in our lives.
Children aren’t mistreated because they are bad. Children are mistreated because someone with a measure of power over them is not well.
Unfortunately, if such a child grows into adulthood without some sort of intervention to dislodge that kind of faulty reasoning, they are likely to cling to those damaging misconceptions and take responsibility for things over which they have had no control.
3. You Messed Up
“Guilt always hurries towards its complement, punishment; only there does its satisfaction lie.” — Lawrence Durrell
Sometimes we are hard on ourselves because of what others have done to us — but sometimes we are hard on ourselves because we messed up.
When we have known the right thing to do, but chosen the wrong path anyway. When we have been stubborn, proud, stupid — or all three. When we have created a mess, despite all the warning signs…
We tend to be hard on ourselves.
And why not?
You do the crime. You do the time.
Simple.
Of course, the problem with that simple approach is that it is woefully out of balance — and extremely ineffective.
Sadly, if we are in the habit of “lowering the boom” in response to our missteps and failures, our attitudes toward self will only get worse.
Overcoming The Habit of Being Hard On Yourself
When we spend too much time focusing on our weaknesses, and seeing things solely from our own perspective, we set ourselves up for failure. However, when we take practical steps to place a little bit of distance between ourselves and the issues that trouble us — and to shift our perspective a bit — we can break free from the destructive cycle of harsh self-criticism and move toward a bright future.
Step 1. Seek Truth
“Beware of false knowledge; it is more dangerous than ignorance.” — George Bernard Shaw
In today’s culture, it has become common, and even fashionable, to make truth what we want it to be rather than seeking out what is actually, verifiably correct. The risks associated with that type of behavior are steep. Indeed, if I decide to reject a truth simply because I don’t understand it, think it’s unfair, or because I’ve been taught to disbelieve it, I may make decisions that prove very costly.
Imagine, for example, what would become of a man who decided to climb atop the Empire State Building and jump because he didn’t believe the truths set forth in Newton’s universal law of gravitation.
The truth is not true because people believe it. The truth is true — because it’s the truth.
If we align ourselves with lies about who we are — not good enough, not attractive enough, not worth being loved — we will suffer needlessly and fail to fulfill our potential.
Thankfully, we don’t have to align with lies — and we can create a bright future.
“You can’t go back and make a new start, but you can start right now and make a brand new ending.” — James R. Sherman, PhD
The Scriptures indicate that every individual — including you — is magnificent, dearly loved, and endowed with purpose.
Others may not agree, but they don’t have to. They’re just people with opinions. And opinions are like rear ends.
Everybody’s got one.
God doesn’t have opinions. God’s got truth.
Step 2. Seek Support
“In the multitude of counsellors, there is safety.” — Proverbs 11:14b
Seeking support is a natural outgrowth of seeking truth. And it is especially important in the lives of those who are hard on themselves. After all, if a harsh, self-critic listens only to their own voice, it is likely that they will only hear more of the same.
One of the reasons I so appreciate coaching is because it opens the coachee’s ears to a more objective and supportive voice than the one they listen to all day long — their own.
I also love coaching because of its accessibility.
Sure, you can seek and hire a highly rated, certified professional. But if that option is not realistic for you, there is probably an excellent — and free — coach well within your reach.
Almost any individual that you have found to be trustworthy, and that also respects and values you as a person, can provide you with basic coaching.This is because, at the end of the day, coaching is not rocket science. In fact, in its most basic form, coaching is about four simple things:
- listening to others with heartfelt interest
- faithfully honoring the perspectives shared
- asking insightful questions which support reflection
- cheering others on as they pursue personal victory
If you are habitually hard on yourself, consider reaching out to a coach — or a personal friend or acquaintance that you trust — and asking them for feedback.
Share a little about your self-perceptions, and allow that individual to describe how they see you.
You will likely find that their take is a lot more balanced than yours — and that many of your negative self-evaluations are not shared by those around you.
Step 3. Master Your Attention
“Was it really a bad day, or did those bad ten minutes just get replayed all day?” — Unknown
Much of our harshness grows out of our attention.
Our focus.
Instead of allowing a small blip on the radar screen to be just that — a small blip — we magnify it.
We blow it out of proportion.
We focus on it.
True, we may have weaknesses that are annoying. We talk too fast. We talk too loud. We talk too much. Whatever.
But what is more damaging than those weaknesses, oft times, is the way we perceive them.
Instead of seeing our weaknesses for what they really are — areas where we need to grow that can be improved with sustained effort — we go to extremes, focusing too much attention on them, and completely overlooking our strengths.
Starting today, you can begin to challenge that condemning inner voice.
One way to begin is by paying attention to your thoughts, questioning their validity, and replacing the ones which don’t pass muster with truth.
When you think to yourself, “I always mess up,” stop and ask the question, “Is it really true that I always mess up?”
Of course, the answer will be, “No.”
There’s a whole world of things that you do well each day, each week, each month. But the extreme critic in you wants you to waste your entire day magnifying mistakes.
DON’T.
Instead, when the lying thoughts come, declaring that you can’t do this, that, or the other thing right, remind yourself of the things that you do well.
You love your children. You’re faithful to your friends. You show up to work. You keep a clean house.
Whatever you do well, focus on.
When you do so repeatedly, you’ll begin chipping away at those harsh, inner voices and forcing your attention to work for you rather than against you.
Call To Action
Ready to level-up your life, and your daily performance? Snag my free guide: “The Personal Pivot Checklist” — a compilation of simple, yet highly effective strategies to help you recognize your God-given gifts, identify your purpose, and begin building a life worthy of you.
Click here to get the guide right now!
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