3 Things Successful People Don’t Do
“As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.” — Proverbs 23:7
Sometimes, when we observe the joyful people around us — the ones who are living their lives to the full — we have a tendency to put them on a pedestal.
Quietly, we think to ourselves, “Wow. They’ve got it all together. I wish I could be like that.”
We imagine that somehow, these individuals must be vastly different from us. That they must have had a boatload of advantages that we didn’t.
Great parents. Great friends. Great education. Great everything.
While that certainly may be true, more often than not, that’s probably not the case. One of the great equalizers in life is that we all face challenges. Tough challenges. And though my challenges may be different from yours, they are challenges nonetheless.
The more important factor which often differentiates us from those who are living more successfully than we are is not what has happened to us — but how we have responded to it.
Ultimately it is not our experiences that determine our success. It is our actions. It is our choices. It is the way we respond to our experiences that sets our course for failure or success.
1. Successful People Don’t Beat Themselves Up
“There’s no amount of self-improvement that can make up for a lack of self-acceptance.” — Robert Holden
One of the easiest and most unproductive things any of us can do is to waste time beating ourselves up.
Not long ago, I coached a brilliant entrepreneur-inventor who had a long history of disorganization. Over the 30+ years of her adult life, she had never managed to stick to a filing system that worked. She had also developed a habit of dropping the ball on many important administrative tasks.
Over the years, those dropped balls had proven very costly — not only as it related to her business and personal projects— but also in terms of her self-image. Though this woman was extremely successful in her own right— she allowed her weakness in a single problem area to cause her to berate herself, and to declare advancement into new areas of expertise a distinct impossibility.
As I began to ask this amazing woman— I’ll call her Shea — probing questions about her problem with disorganization, she became defensive, combative, angry. For a solid 20 minutes, Shea bemoaned her plight, recounting her many failed attempts to organize her life — and voicing near hopelessness about the prospect of ever moving past the problem.
Shea’s descriptions of herself, and of her behavior, were heavily laden with judgment. Rather than cutting herself a break based on the underlying factors that helped to create the disorganization problem, she judged herself harshly, relating to herself as her own worst enemy.
Sadly, by responding to her difficult weakness with angst rather than compassion, Shea was actually compounding the problem. Not only was she faced with the monumental task of overcoming a lifelong struggle. She was now also experiencing a counterproductive spiral of negative thoughts and words which were reinforcing her internal belief that she was beyond help.
Shea personalized the problem, seeing it as an extension of herself.
But in truth, Shea was not the problem. Shea had the problem.
That’s an important distinction.
One of Thomas Edison’s well-known quotes brings home the point.
“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”
2. Successful People Don’t Obsess Over Other People’s Opinions.
“Opinions are like rear ends. Everybody’s got one.” — Unknown
People have many opinions — often regarding matters which are of no concern to them.
If you spend the bulk of your time trying to fulfill the dreams that others have for you, when will you get around to fulfilling your own?
Understand me clearly.
I am NOT suggesting that we be inconsiderate or callous to the important people in our lives. If a loved one, dear friend, or trustworthy advisor offers valuable counsel, it should considered. Seriously considered.
What I am suggesting is that in order to succeed in life, you will need to take a balanced approach to the advice which others give.
Specifically, you need to evaluate others’ opinions against at least three criteria:
Purpose, benefit, and person.
Purpose. What is the counsel being offered designed to do? Is it designed to broaden your perspective? To help you consider a viewpoint or outcome that you may have overlooked? Or is it designed to keep you under the opinion-giver’s control?
Benefit. How might following the advice being offered you improve your life? If followed, would the advice advance you toward your God-given dreams and destiny? Protect you from a costly mistake? Or would it prevent you from stretching yourself into new levels of achievement? From becoming the best version of you that you can possibly become?
Person. From whom does the advice originate? Does the individual sharing the opinion have a solid track record with you, and with others? Is the individual loving, honorable, and respectful? Or manipulative, jealous, and petty? Does the advice giver have an earnest interest in your well-being — or is he or she simply “grinding an axe” — sounding off with a personal opinion?
Bottom line…
There are some opinions that you should consider — seriously consider.
There are many other opinions which you shouldn’t give the time of day.
Too often, we waste precious time obsessing over what other people think and feel about us.
About our lives.
About our decisions.
STOP.
In 2012, author Bronnie Ware published “The Five Regrets of the Dying.”
Ware, who had spent a significant portion of her time serving as a palliative care nurse, wrote the list after listening to the end-of-life reflections of her terminally ill patients.
Two of the “Five Regrets,” numbers 1 and 3, related to other people’s opinions.
According to Ware, the most common regret of the dying was living for others.
“I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.”
The third most common regret, much like the first, dealt with people-pleasing. Ware wrote:
“Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.”
As sad as the five regrets are, they also provide us a reason to take heart.
If we observe the mistakes of others — and learn from them — we can also escape them.
Amen.
3. Successful People Don’t Live In The Past.
Don’t look back; you’re not going that way. — Mary Engelbreit
A dear, older cousin of mine — I’ll call him James — recently passed.
He was a fun, vibrant person. He was quick to laugh and smile, full of amusing stories, and generous to the core.
What he did for others, he did from the heart.
James genuinely loved people and genuinely loved to help.
For decades, James was famous in our home town for using his God-given ability to fix anything on wheels to help those who couldn’t afford to pay a regular mechanic.
But despite his many excellent qualities, James failed miserably at letting go of the past.
As a young teen, I remember James complaining to me about the way his mother treated him growing up. Apparently, James’ Mom, my great Aunty G, had been a pretty strict lady. (She never came across that way to me.)
Aunty G was a single Mom in the forties, long before it was common. She was also a very hard worker, and by all accounts, a good provider. For that, many members of our family gave her praise. However, according to my cousin, Aunty G had a problem with being stiff and hard, and never really allowed him to play much around the house.
At every turn, Aunty G asked James to be still, to be quiet, to be neat and orderly. According to my cousin, he “couldn’t do anything.”
For James’ — who I firmly believe was a kinesthetic learner long before pop psychologists popularized the term— being told to slow down, sit down, and stop seven days a week must have been a real cause for grief.
In that area, Aunty G blew it.
BIG TIME.
Unfortunately, James blew it, too. He never moved on.
When I was a young teen, James was forty-something, and angry at his Mom.
She would often call him over to her house to help her fix an appliance, or to run an errand. James would grumble and complain, but he would go. Before long, he would become annoyed about something, and an argument would ensue. He would struggle to speak kindly to his Mom, and ultimately find himself overcome with anger — bitter at Aunty G over his less-than-ideal upbringing.
Often times, their visits would end with yelling and shouting. James would storm out — and tell whoever would listen about Aunty G’s annoying ways. She had done him wrong. And whenever he was in her presence, he was reminded.
After I went away to college, and came back home to visit, I found that James was still angry at his Mom.
And, to my knowledge, even in his old age, many years after Aunty G’s passing, his anger persisted.
So what’s the point?
Just this.
James was a beautiful, well-loved man. He was a friend and blessing to many — but he never seemed to overcome the pains he experienced growing up. And while that might be considered a small thing by some, the truth is plain. James was not as successful a man as he could have been because he never let go of the past.
People will hurt you. You’ll hurt them. You’ll make dumb decisions. Others will,too.
Don’t get bitter. Get better.
It’s a choice.
I’m not making light of your pain. I’m saying deal with it. And move on.
If you can’t do it alone, get help. Hire help, if you must. But move on.
“We should not look back unless it is to derive useful lessons from past errors, and for the purpose of profiting by dearly bought experience.” — George Washington
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